User:Woozle/neocons and lightbulbs

How many neocons does it take to change a lightbulb?

None; they create their own reality in which the lightbulb has been changed.

Any records or evidence relating to exactly how this is done have largely been confiscated or destroyed without explanation, so the exact details are highly conjectural. Neoconservatives have specifically stated that due to security concerns and executive confidentiality they can neither confirm nor deny the following scenario, indicating a high probability that it is accurate:

1. Neocons accuse liberals of draining the lightbulb by excessive use of its light in "elitist" activities such as reading and paying excessive attention to detail.
2. Wishing to show good faith and defend their honor, liberals then offer to change the lightbulb.
3. Neocons loudly rebuke this offer as "flip-flopping", "appeasement", and "hypocrisy", but ultimately allow the lightbulb to be changed (while charging for use of the ladder and an "environmental optimization fee" for turning off the lighswitch so the bulb can be changed safely)
4. Once the light has been replaced, neocons now point out that liberal interference with business affairs has led directly to heinous abuses and wastage:
   • interference with the operation of a business
   • unnecessary wastage of electricity, because everyone was perfectly happy working without that light
   • abuse of company funds to purchase a redundant lightbulb
5. Neocons then campaign successfully to reduce government regulation over business operations such as lightbulb-changing so that they can successfully deal with the problems caused by liberal interference in those areas.