Deadly asteroid impact denial
Imagine that astronomers have detected an asteroid on a direct collision course with Earth. It is huge, larger than the one which killed the dinosaurs 65 million years ago (or, if you prefer, 6000 years ago, thus causing Noah's flood and thereby carving the Grand Canyon), and will destroy all life when it hits.
Space scientists have proposed an international space mission to divert the asteroid harmlessly.
The game, then, is to identify individuals or groups whose rhetoric is particularly non-reality-based, and explain – in the words of each individual or group – exactly why it is that the space mission is a bad idea.
How do we know there really is an asteroid. I mean, sure, a few astronomers claim there's a dot on their telescope lenses, but how do they know that's a real asteroid and not just a piece of dirt or something? We have a long list of
dentists and engineers scientists who don't think it's real.
And if there really is one, well, this isn't anything new -- the earth has been hit by deadly asteroids before. We're still here, aren't we? I mean, come on, we can adapt. Think of all the minerals that asteroid will be bringing -- someone could make a fortune mining it.
And even it's a real problem, there really isn't anything we can do about it. I for one am rather fond of the earth's surface and would rather not live underground, cowering in fear of some imaginary threat.
We at the Institute for Certain Prosperous Americans believe that we need to get government out of the way so that private enterprise can solve this problem.
Furthermore, any deadlly asteroid impact will create an unusually competitive business environment from which the economy can only benefit.
And finally, under no circumstances should we allow big government interference with the asteroid's private business; this is a matter for the states to handle.
Oh, sure, an asteroid is going to hit Earth... but personally I don't think humanity really deserves to survive anyway... and really, "species survival" is such a pre-industrial dialectic concept... and anyway it's all relative; Einstein proved that decades ago. Asteroid impact may be "real" and "important" for us, but it's basically just a social construct of our Western-logical way of thinking; to the African Aborigines, or the Hmong, it may be totally insignificant because it's just not part of their lives or culture.
Secular scientists apparently believe it is important for us to understand that an asteroid has been aimed at earth and is due to hit in a matter of days. We at the Recovery Institute believe that this theory is severely lacking in moral principles, and we do not want it taught to our children. We have therefore arrived at a different theory, which not only makes this heinous catastrophe unnecessary but is also fully consistent with Biblical scripture and the teachings of Jesus Christ.
As your President, it is my job to be the Decider, and the Commander. The War on Terrorism is currently our number one goal. We are fully committed, as a nation, to carrying out this goal. I am fully committed, as your Leader in Chief, to seeing this goal carried out.
Now, there are some who do not place the safety of United States citizens at the highest priority. They want to distract us, weaken our resolve, make us look indecisive. They would propose that we should set aside our singlemindedness of purpose and allow every new thing that comes along to distract us from that.
There are even those who would warn us of so-called doom and destruction falling out of the sky, like some kind of fairy-tale – but these people cause dissent, and disagreement; they are working against freedom and for terrorism. And so I say NO! We must not turn aside! We will stand resolute, and finish the job! [applause]
- 2011-02-02 Republicans Vote To Repeal Obama-Backed Bill That Would Destroy Asteroid Headed For Earth: The Onion's entry