Announcements we'd be hearing from the Discovery Institute, if they were really trying to sound like they were doing research.
Structure of God's DNA Determined
The Discovery Institute today announces that the structure of God's DNA has been determined. A mathematical analysis of DNA from living animals and fossil samples going back to the creation of the Earth 4004 years before the Birth of Christ shows that they are in fact 3-dimensional projections of one single structure, the quadruple-sterrated octohelix, which exists only in 11-dimensional space and is believed to be the DNA of God.
This finally lays to rest the idea, long asserted by atheists, that mankind was not created in God's image. "The DNA in every human is in fact a 3-dimensional projection of God's DNA, from slightly different angles," explains lead researcher Joseph Q. Scienceguy.
Recent observations from the Hubble Space Telescope confirm that a matching chemical signature is found in the 3-degree background radiation left over from the creation of the universe in 4004 BC. "The amount of confirming evidence we're finding is simply astonishing," said Scienceguy. "We weren't expecting this."
New, More Reliable Sample Dating Technique Invented
A recent innovation by a team of researchers at the Discovery Institute is expected to turn the world of science upside-down: a new and much more accurate method of "dating", or determining the correct age of, archaeological and geological samples.
This new method completely supercedes older methods of dating, such as carbon-14 decay, and has already revealed that much of what secular science believed about our past is in fact completely wrong.
"We knew it all along," said Joseph Q. Scienceguy, Distinguished Professor of Scienceology at the Discovery Institute's Science Research Technology Division, "but of course the science establishment wouldn't listen. Now we have proof!"
Fingerprints of Satan Identified
In a groundbreaking new discovery, Discovery Institute researchers have identified a subatomic signature which can only be found in items which have been created or manipulated by Satan, The Lord of Darkness.
Researchers have quickly followed up by checking for this signature to confirm or disprove Satan's involvement in a number of areas.
The signature has been found, for instance, on fossils whose carbon dating indicates an age older than 4004 BC, but not on newer fossils. It has been found in the mortar of mosques, synagogues, and temples, but not within any of the building materials of Baptist churches; relatively low levels were found in samples from a few other denominations. Results are still pending for samples taken from the Vatican.
Researchers noted its unusually low level of activity in samples taken from the White House, although there were indications that it might have been present in quantity "within the past decade".
Analysis of DNA from homosexual men has also found the marker on some of the genes believed to be responsible for homosexuality -- clearly indicating genetic interference by Satan. This clears up both the absurd atheist claim that "God made homosexuals" while also pointing in the direction of a possible cure for the scourge of homosexuality.
The Institute's product development division expects to have a portable detector for Satanic influence on the market by next year.