User:Woozle/neocons and lightbulbs

From Issuepedia

How many neocons does it take to change a lightbulb?

None; they create their own reality in which the lightbulb has been changed.

Any records or evidence relating to exactly how this is done have largely been confiscated or destroyed without explanation, so the exact details are highly conjectural. Neoconservatives have specifically stated that due to security concerns and executive confidentiality they can neither confirm nor deny the following scenario, indicating a high probability that it is accurate:

  1. Neocons accuse liberals of draining the lightbulb by excessive use of its light in "elitist" activities such as reading and paying excessive attention to detail.
  2. Wishing to show good faith and defend their honor, liberals then offer to change the lightbulb.
  3. Neocons loudly rebuke this offer as "flip-flopping", "appeasement", and "hypocrisy", but ultimately allow the lightbulb to be changed (while charging for use of the ladder and an "environmental impact fee" for turning off the lightswitch so the bulb can be changed safely, and a "disposal fee" so that instead of carelessly tossing the dead bulb in a landfill, a company owned by a Neocon's golf buddy will have the bulb carefully tossed into an unregulated offshore dumping site).
  4. Once the light has been replaced, neocons now point out that liberal interference with business affairs has led directly to heinous abuses and wastage:
    • interference with the operation of a business
    • unnecessary wastage of electricity, because everyone was perfectly happy working without that light
    • abuse of company funds to purchase a redundant lightbulb
    The whole affair is dubbed "lightbulbgate" and repeated endlessly on all fair and balanced news outlets.
  5. Neocons then campaign successfully to reduce lightbulb inventory, arguing that their ready availability encourages hand-outs and wastage such as that demonstrated by liberals in the recent "lightbulbgate" scandal.
  6. Neocon scavenger-pundits gleefully spin the whole affair yet further, citing this as further proof of:
    • the liberal tendency to demand perfect solutions (i.e. a well-lit work area) when the existing solution is good enough
    • liberals playing God -- only Our Lord has the right to say "let there be light!", and if He'd wanted us to see what we're doing, he'd have given us luminous eyeballs!
    • liberals freely handing out largesse (lightbulbs) to lazy incompetents -- studies show that the office in question was one of the least productive in the entire building! (Because they didn't have enough light? No! The system works and there are no victims; it was because they were lazy or stupid, of course!)

Notes

  • 2010-09-13 Dusted off slightly and reposted as comment on ETEV
  • 2014-12-04 Tweaked and expanded slightly for Google+